


Deserving

by rogueshadows



Series: Closer Than This [2]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-23 12:16:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9657143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rogueshadows/pseuds/rogueshadows
Summary: “I always want to find you” way to lay it on thick Andor, he thought as he settled in for the meeting. He sat patiently taking in the General’s updates and trying not to let his mind wander no matter how Bodhi kept flashing to the forefront of it./A droid eventually shooed Bodhi from where he stood. He self consciously glanced around realizing that he probably looked like a crazy person staring fondly at Draven’s door before hurrying back to the hangar. He needed to get some work in and to think.





	

_“I always want to find you”_ way to lay it on thick Andor, he thought as he settled in for the meeting. He sat patiently taking in the General’s updates and trying not to let his mind wander no matter how Bodhi kept flashing to the forefront of it. More and more intel was coming in about the Death Star’s movements and everyone was on high alert. There had been more murmurings of the princess’ survival, lighting a new hope in everyone. It was when the general was talking to one of the other commanders about the new contacts he had found in the outer rim that he finally allowed himself to tune out a little and think. He hoped he hadn’t overstepped earlier with the kiss, though he was fairly certain they were on the same page by the soft look on Bodhi’s face. Seeing that kind of look focused on him made something in his chest flip with excitement, a feeling he didn’t quite know what to do with. He felt _happy_ and as undeserving as he was he just wanted to chase that feeling for once in his life. On Scarif he could not conjure a single person in his mind who cared for him beyond his utility and that had hurt worse than anything else. Perhaps he still deserved that pain but that didn’t mean he could bear it after surviving. He hoped that perhaps with Bodhi he might not have to. Thoughts like that were dangerous though, falling far too close to fantasies. If there was one thing war reveled in it was shredding such ideas. Cassian pushed them away, turning himself as much as he could to present matters. As if on queue Draven spoke to him directly, asking when the medics thought would be ready again for active duty, and the meeting carried on. 

\------

A droid eventually shooed Bodhi from where he stood. He self consciously glanced around realizing that he probably looked like a crazy person staring fondly at Draven’s door before hurrying back to the hangar. He needed to get some work in and to think. Many years of Empire training had given him a high degree of mechanical skill that he couldn’t let go to waste so he had devoted himself to making sure the entire fleet was in the best shape they could be before the impending battle. As much as he had once loved flying he was still wracked with anxiety from Scarif. Every time he got in a ship now a million moments he’d rather not remember flashed in his mind. So in sheer defiance of that pain he vowed to do his best.

While he knew there were other Imperial defectors on base, truly brave ones whom he had even met, he still felt somehow apart from the others and that he had to continually prove himself. His work and the tight knit bond between him and the surviving members of Rogue One were enough for him. That had been true until Cassian upended everything and confirmed one of his wildest fantasies. The moment had been intense just like everything about Cassian. Even after his walk back Bodhi was still reeling from it. Bodhi held dear the growing connection they shared but he had never expected this. He felt as elated as he did guarded as he tried not to get too ahead of himself. His heart prayed that the kiss hadn’t just been a whim to forget. At the same time he couldn’t help but think Cassian deserved better than him. Not wanting to dwell on his own harsh anxieties any longer he grabbed his tools and crawled beneath the X-Wing before someone saw him and asked what in the stars had gotten into him.

Continuing the work he had started earlier he pulled at one of the fuel lines that had been damaged in landing and sighed at his absent mindedness when fuel spilled out over his hands. He wiped off some on his jumpsuit before quickly reaching for the sealant tape to patch it. As he worked steadily repairing it he dwelled on possibility. Flirting with Cassian had been so second nature but with the chance that it might come to fruition he couldn’t help but feel anxious. It was as if Cassian had morphed from one force in his life to another in a matter of a press of lips. As much as he knew Cassian cared about him he really hoped he wouldn’t make too much of a fool of himself.

\-----

After he was dismissed from the briefing and finished some intelligence research he’d been roped into Cassian decided to make good on his promise to find Bodhi and see if he wanted to get something to eat. He had taken pain meds after the meeting so his leg was luckily feeling steadier than it had before. He asked around and found that despite the late hour Bodhi is still down in the hangar working. When he reached the maintenance dock he doesn’t spot him at first and almost leaves to look elsewhere before looking down and seeing his legs sticking out from beneath an older model X-Wing as he worked. The tension he had been carrying dissipated at the sight as he formed a great idea. He walked up as silently as he could and nudged Bodhi’s foot with his own suddenly. Bodhi startled, he didn’t bang his head but it was a close thing as he dropped his wrench with a clatter before tilting his head to see Cassian laughing and looking down at him. He slid out from under the ship fixing Cassian with a mock glare.   
  
“You nearly startled me,” he chided, his heart is beating fast and he can’t tell if it’s from the scare or just from looking at Cassian. This man would be the death of him.   
  
“I couldn’t resist, forgive me?” Cassian smiled holding out his hands to help Bodhi up. Bodhi accepted gladly clasping Cassian’s warm palms in his own before realizing the state of his own hands and grinning.   
  
“Only if you forgive me for getting fuel all over you,” he said. Cassian looked down at his stained hands and shook his head sighing but not moving away.   
  
“But now how will I touch anything without making a mess?” he asked with a smirk. Bodhi snorted at the line, refusing to acknowledge how it made him blush.   
  
“Well you’re welcome to join me in cleaning off,” Bodhi said playing it off in as conversational of a tone as he could muster. Cassian wanted to laugh but it turned out that his imagination was very serious about the concept. He bit his lip and without thinking ran an fuel covered hand over his forehead to push back his hair before freezing and realizing his mistake.   
  
“Joder, me haces estúpido,” he murmured in Festan. He wanted to bury his face in his hands but that would just make matters worse. Bodhi appreciated that he was the one blushing for once even if it was more out of embarrassment.   
  
“Oh stars, we really are both a mess,” he said unable to stop from laughing and meaning it in more ways than one. He grabbed some clean rags and the canteen off his work table and held them up. Cassian knew logically that he should probably just go to the refresher but nodded anyway reveling in the excuse to stay. He sat down at a nearby bench and threw one leg on either side of it, Bodhi mirroring his stance and sliding close to look at him properly as their knees brushed together. After wiping off his own hands he held Cassian’s and cleaned them off as well as not to repeat their mistakes. He then grabbed the second cloth and got to work wiping away the worst of the fuel from Cassian’s face selfishly enjoying the chance to stare unabashedly. He smiled at the way Cassian scrunched his nose up in response to the cold cloth. It almost reminded Bodhi of how his mother would clean his face as a child, though he realized that Cassian probably had no memories like that. Since they’d gotten closer Cassian always felt touch starved until he was back with Bodhi, now he basked in it like a flower turning to the sun. When Bodhi was finished he didn’t stop himself from caressing Cassian’s cheek and wondering if he should make a move. He had no idea how the intimacy of the gesture made Cassian weak with want.

“Good as new,” Bodhi breathed wishing he had the resolve to bridge the gap between them. Cassian found himself focused on the way Bodhi moved, sudden yet cautious. He had never been so caught up in another person's details, the cascade of freckles across his face that you could only see if you were close enough, his eyes dark mahogany always dancing with warmth. His heart swelled with it and he decided that he couldn’t remain aloof, the tightness in his chest wouldn’t loosen until he knew if Bodhi felt the same.  
  
“We should talk about earlier,” he spoke softly making Bodhi’s heart flip. He wondered if he was pushing too much, if Cassian wanted this. He took his hand away and backed off a bit.  
  
“I was afraid you’d say that,” Bodhi said self deprecating, not meeting Cassian’s eyes as he spoke. If he were he would have seen Cassian furrow his brow.  
  
“Why?” he asked confused at Bodhi’s sudden withdrawal, second guessing himself.  
  
“You know, the let down talk,” he said quietly. Cassian didn’t deserve another person in his life putting pressure on him and he felt selfish for not just laughing it off. Bodhi got up to leave because he didn’t want to make things more awkward but Cassian grabbed his wrist quick to stop him.  
  
“Bodhi hey, look at me, you’ve got this wrong,” he said not unkindly, convincing him to sit back down and keeping him close. He reached over gently placing a hand on Bodhi’s neck to make him focus. His eyes were wide, tired, and beautiful. Cassian was so gone for him and had so much he wanted to say but what it came down to was simple.  
  
“You drive me crazy, you know? And I’d really like to kiss you again,” he admitted with a sincere look. It took a moment to process the words but when he did Bodhi felt warm all over.   
“Thank the force,” was all Bodhi could think to say before leaning in and kissing him fervently. They both melted into it as easy as breathing. Bodhi practically climbed into Cassian’s lap and looped his arms around his neck feeling anchored by his warm embrace. By the time they pulled apart for air they both felt dazed. Cassian would say he felt like a teenager again but honestly nothing he’d done in his teens had been this sincere. Bodhi rested his head in the crook of Cassian’s shoulder breathing him in before breaking the silence.  
  
“Me too, in case that wasn’t clear,” he said, to which Cassian nudged him lightheartedly.  
  
“I kind of hoped so,” Cassian laughed feeling calmer than he possibly ever had. It was like all of his fears for the future, for his own repentance and the war, were dulled and he could breathe for once. Bodhi felt much the same and knew that no matter what the Empire threw at them next they would face it together.


End file.
